Time Out

i couldn’t do it, two days of sorting and sorrow put me into emotional overload.  I just couldn’t face finishing the room off.  I’ve had a two day lapse and, as we head into the weekend, I know I have to tackle the inevitable.

I won’t do the final purge, I can’t.  Instead I will go and pick up a few storage bins and pack away that pile of undecided stuff I left in the middle of the floor.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and I don’t have to do it all at once.

What a dilemma – to do what the head says or do what the heart wants.  Better yet, I could do nothing at all – just give in to emotional paralysis.  That’s really my preferred choice and l suspect it’s how I’ve functioned so far, but I don’t have a choice this time.  I have to clear out the room for the renovation.  And it’s me and only me that can do it.  Too personal of a task.

It is these things, this type of stuff that eats away inside.  Nobody knows what it’s like until they are there.  Nobody knows how it presses on your chest and closes your throat. How loud your heartbeat is in your own ears as the blood rushes to your head. And at the end, how small and vulnerable you feel in such a big, cold world.

So for me, I spent two days working on clearing out the closet and likely have one to go, but it doesn’t feel like I am two thirds done at all – it still feels like I am at the bottom of the mountain looking up with a long way to go.