It appears that I am remarkably consistent in my thinking. All through this journey I am on I have written, sporadically, but still capturing my thoughts on paper. When I feel melancholy I seem to have a nasty habit of trying to make myself feel worse by revisiting some of my previous writing. Not all of it was angst believe it or not. I used these little recipe cards that I kept by my bed, in my purse, everywhere. When the mood hit me, I captured my thoughts.
Some of my writings contained ideas about how to make life better for people who end up in the same circumstances as me – facing the death of their partner and not knowing what’s expected of one, what it means and what to do – financially, emotionally, and so on. Kevin died and in that first year I literally had so many stupid problems to deal with – bees in the walls, broken appliances, a flood in the basement, stupidity with the banks, it just kept coming. And I wrote and I wrote.
But I also wrote, and I found this card last week, about loneliness and what to do about it. My loneliness is and was pretty much self inflicted and I recognize that. It takes effort to reconnect with people, physical and emotional effort, and, so far, I haven’t put much into it. But people, friends and family, are hugely important. We can be surrounded by people and yet somehow manage to be completely alone. So on this card I found, I had written about setting up a club for people like me – alone, partnerless, widowed, divorced, unattached, didn’t matter how you got there, just that you were. I had mulled over the name – either the Solitaire Club (Shine on you crazy diamond), or One (one is the loneliest number). I had wanted my club to meet once a month, for drinks and conversation. I’d written this card just about two years ago.
For the last month I’ve been saying to my daughter I need to do something, to get involved again, find some interests. And then I find the card. Go figure. I guess it is something that I need to do. Put a little effort into life , and pick up the pieces and make a new puzzle.