I haven’t been very faithful with this blog in the last little while. I am struggling with whether to keep at it or not. Not for any other reason than I feel that people probably think I should be moving forward, getting on with my life and that I am just a complete whiner. Truth is, I don’t really know how and where I should be in the ‘recovery’ process. Some days I feel like I am on the up and up, and then others I revert back to wondering how on earth I am going to get through a year, two years, five years – the rest of my life without Kevin.
For any who knew me, he was my life. I was one of those women who centered my world around my husband. He was demanding, busy, entertaining, always, always planning the next trip, dinner, visit, painting, gig, whatever. My job was logistics and so I was busy too. What an insane void his death made in my world. And so I do wonder about my future. I don’t have any desire to replace Kevin, who could? But then life stretches out indeterminately without him.
Back to the blog – I don’t know if I should keep writing, I wonder if maybe it has me mired in pain – if it is a link to sorrow and that link may be holding me back. Although I don’t think it is for the simple reason that this blog is just an outlet for expression of the feelings I continue to carry. I can stop the blog but I can’t stop the feelings. Sometimes it feels really good to put it in a sensible form of writing to clear my head. Better than using a diary, since one doesn’t have to even attempt to be objective or reasonable in the expression captured in a diary.
I apparently break all the rules of a good blogger though. I don’t write something every day, I pay to keep advertisers off of my site, and I don’t use the tools they provide me to drive traffic to my blog. Happenstance is how people have to find this thing. That’s fine by me, since I can’t figure out why I even write it anymore.