Sometimes after I write a post I figure that people think I am sad, depressed or down. I’m not really. I am actually pretty far past that. I have my days, days where I would have to say I am feeling lost and alone, but overall I feel that I have adjusted to my new world order. And I think that, in general, everyone has those types of days. I’m not special. Life for all of us is complicated.
I believe that for the balance of my life I will feel a foreboding going into the winter months, because so many losses are condensed into that timeframe, because my anniversary and Kevin’s death are just five days apart. How could I not feel blue about that? But I believe that I am justified in my feelings and I accept them.
I also feel comfortable in being a little withdrawn during this time. In recognizing the hole in my life that developed when Kevin died. It exists and it is my reality, and to pretend that everything is the same as ever isn’t honest, because it’s not the same. I live in an altered state, and that’s okay, because I am living, breathing and moving forward in life. It’s my choice as to how I will grieve for the things that I have lost, so if I do it quietly, so be it. It’s a matter of getting by, just getting by. And I am.