i am heading into the hard part of the year. January to March – hard for a multitude of reasons. Deaths, lots of them, close and personal: my mother (January), father (February), father-in-law (February), mother-in-law (March), husband (March) topped off with what would have been my anniversary (March) – significant events that loom ahead of me. I can’t remember last year’s Christmas it was overshadowed by the impending sadness. All I could think of was what I had lost. Loss, over and over again. My mind, my thoughts consumed by the pain of death.
Now we head into Christmas again, marking, for me, the onset of a dark period. That’s how I think of it – those life events that will be with me for always – sadness, darkness, heaviness. I know it’s coming, can’t escape it and actually don’t want to. It’s part of my family history now, of who I am. I know I can move through it, my family beside me, where I need to be with the people that matter the most. I know it will be hard; I am keenly aware of the uncertainty of being, we all are in this family.
Twenty months after Kevin’s death and I think I am resignedly moving on in this loss journey from the “what ifs” to the “what is”, but that I will always carry the “what was” in my heart and in my mind. Otherwise, what was the purpose of being if not to be remembered, of love, if not to be mourned. Kevin’s star will always shine bright in my universe.