That’s what I woke up to in the middle of the night. Two thirty in the morning and an intense pounding pain in my head woke me up. It was one of those headaches, if you’ve ever had a severe headache, where I could hear the blood rushing through my veins, hear and feel my heart beat. It hurt more to lie down than it did to sit up. Sit up in the dark because the light hurt my eyes too much.
I haven’t had a migraine for a long time now. I suffered with them before in the past, but literally when Kevin got sick, most of my ailments went away. It was like I didn’t have time for them anymore. A lot of things happened when Kevin was diagnosed. Shock does crazy things to people, for me, I literally went through menopause. Not long and drawn out for me, nope, I was done completely as of that moment in June of 2014 when we heard the words “you’ve got advanced cancer”. Last night’s migraine was a surprise to me, I thought that they’d been banished forever too, but evidently I got that wrong. Fortunately I had my meds, although expired, I’d kept them and ended up taking three doses before I settled the thing down.
I’m not really surprised by the migraine, things have been building up as I get closer to the one year anniversary of Kevin’s death. I find that I am crying almost every day, small things set me off. I’ve got no interest in going out or doing anything. It’s even a push to sit down here and write out my thoughts. I’m not eating great, not sleeping well; all of these things are likely contributors to the migraine. I imagine myself right now as a plane that is trying to land but bouncing from wheel to wheel, precariously off balance. I don’t have confidence that I can land without some sort of damage. That’s how I feel, off balance, out of control.
There’s no magic answer or proven coping techniques that I can use to get through this. I have great family and friends all around me, but I am afraid that for these next couple of weeks we are in parallel but separate worlds. I know that they are there, but I am in a different space altogether. I am back in the world of loss and sorrow, flying through a mist made of tears. Not a journey I’d wish on anyone.