There are lots of things that you realize, feel or miss after losing a spouse or someone close. There are some soft things and some hard things. Conversation, shared meals, watching movies, hugs, glances – those are soft things. Income, chores, family responsibilities – those are hard things – things that require decision making, effort and action, things with consequences.
When Kevin died, over half of our annual income went. I became responsible for all the expenses and payments related to where and how I live. I also inherited oversight for every single chore associated with my home and I became the sole parent of three grown children.
There are days when this can all seem so overwhelming, and then there are days when I don’t even think about it. The other day I stood in my driveway and looked around and felt overwhelmed – the property is large and, for one minute, I thought ‘just get rid of the place.’ The next day was sunny and bright and, as I walked up the driveway returning from walking the dog, I thought, ‘gosh I love this place.’
That pretty much sums up how it is – day by day. Right now it’s a love-hate thing I have going on; some days I love being surrounded by the things we worked hard to achieve, other days they just represent chores to be done. My least favourite: I hate taking out the garbage – just hate it, but I always did. Thing was, Kevin would do it. Now it’s just on me. Some weeks when garbage day comes around I go to a dark place; I slam the bins around and drag them to the curb, head back inside and feel sorry for myself. Other weeks, I am resigned to my new duties, and so I might have a conversation with Kev in my mind. I know if he was around he’d tell me to get over it, that it is stupid to waste any energy on a task that has to be done. That if he was here he’d do it, but he’s not, so to figure it out.
I am figuring things out and I know it. Doesn’t make it any easier and it doesn’t mean that I like it. But I am going with the flow.