I think today I finally realized what one of my biggest obstacles to moving forward is. I think it is the fact that I can’t envision my future.
Life was simple when Kevin was alive. He was always busy making plans and I was always busy trying to make him slow down. He’d finish one thing and be on to the next, and somehow there was always work involved for me. It was just the way it was. So as he neared retirement he was busy planning the next phase of his life and I knew that somehow I factored in there. So I never thought much about what the next five or ten years would look like for me since invariably things would change based on Kevin’s interests. I did know the general plan – that involved painting and music, opera and the symphony, children and grandchildren and, of course me and him. Our circle was full.
My challenge now is the future. I can’t really picture what my life will be in a year or two. Last year I could have, even two years ago I could have, but not this year.
Kevin would have retired this month and I had planned on taking a leave from work to spend with him. He’d laughed when I told him and said something to the effect that I was determined to crowd him. Then he went right into planning our trip to Newfoundland, right after he retired – he was so excited. Plans, he’d had so many of them. Actually he had all of them.
The saddest thing was when he realized that he was dying. He stopped planning. The light inside him dimmed and we all saw it. The hope and optimism faded but the love stayed – right to the end. I like to think that that love was like warm sunshine and gentle breezes guiding him on his way. I can only hope that light and love and laughter fill his present like they did his past.