The Price


I’ve had a week of aches and pains like no other.  I think that this is simply the physical toll of getting through Christmas.  It’s okay to go like there’s no tomorrow as long as you know there is a tomorrow, and when you finally let it in that there is a price to pay.  That’s where I am at now.  Paying the price.

The human body can take a remarkable amount of abuse.  I think about how, in some cases, toxins like chemotherapy medications can actually cure by killing off cells.  That is a planned assault on the body – eyes wide open, prepare for the battle.  In my case though, my abuse of my body is through sheer neglect.  During Christmas and the weeks leading up to it, I subjected my body to all sorts of unpleasantness – sleep deprivation, physical inactivity, torturous thoughts and high stress levels.  If I felt lousy I took a pill, if I couldn’t sleep, I took a pill.  At some point something had to give, and this week it did.

The walls finally came tumbling down earlier this week after I started to organize the Christmas ornaments.  Every year for 10 years Kevin had bought me a glass ornament for our Christmas tree.  Hand-painted, blown glass and usually inscribed with the year.  Obviously this year I didn’t get one, nor did I get one last year, he was just too sick.  For some reason, the fact that two years were missing sent me over the edge.  Cried so hard I gave myself a headache, sank so low I couldn’t pull myself back up.

I realized then that I’d stopped writing as well.  Over the past few weeks I haven’t cared about writing anything here, my writing has been spotty at best.  I’ve been too tired and felt like it’s all been said, and that I have an unhealthy compulsion to dwell on the past.  Then I realized, I need to write for my sanity and for my health.  I’m not dwelling on the past, I’m sorting through the present and how we got here.  I need to do this for me, on my own terms – if people don’t want to read it, then they don’t have to, no one is making them.

Bottom line, I loved my husband so very, very much, as did my children, as did his sister, the rest of our family and his good friends.  It was a tremendous loss and it will take a long time to fully come to terms with it. There’s no shame in mourning as long as you still keep living.

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