I’ve had a week of aches and pains like no other. I think that this is simply the physical toll of getting through Christmas. It’s okay to go like there’s no tomorrow as long as you know there is a tomorrow, and when you finally let it in that there is a price to pay. That’s where I am at now. Paying the price.
The human body can take a remarkable amount of abuse. I think about how, in some cases, toxins like chemotherapy medications can actually cure by killing off cells. That is a planned assault on the body – eyes wide open, prepare for the battle. In my case though, my abuse of my body is through sheer neglect. During Christmas and the weeks leading up to it, I subjected my body to all sorts of unpleasantness – sleep deprivation, physical inactivity, torturous thoughts and high stress levels. If I felt lousy I took a pill, if I couldn’t sleep, I took a pill. At some point something had to give, and this week it did.
The walls finally came tumbling down earlier this week after I started to organize the Christmas ornaments. Every year for 10 years Kevin had bought me a glass ornament for our Christmas tree. Hand-painted, blown glass and usually inscribed with the year. Obviously this year I didn’t get one, nor did I get one last year, he was just too sick. For some reason, the fact that two years were missing sent me over the edge. Cried so hard I gave myself a headache, sank so low I couldn’t pull myself back up.
I realized then that I’d stopped writing as well. Over the past few weeks I haven’t cared about writing anything here, my writing has been spotty at best. I’ve been too tired and felt like it’s all been said, and that I have an unhealthy compulsion to dwell on the past. Then I realized, I need to write for my sanity and for my health. I’m not dwelling on the past, I’m sorting through the present and how we got here. I need to do this for me, on my own terms – if people don’t want to read it, then they don’t have to, no one is making them.
Bottom line, I loved my husband so very, very much, as did my children, as did his sister, the rest of our family and his good friends. It was a tremendous loss and it will take a long time to fully come to terms with it. There’s no shame in mourning as long as you still keep living.