This journey is not an easy one. Each day is a new day. One day further away; yet not anything that can be measured by time. If I could make people understand anything it would be that. The passage of time, it can’t fix or mend. It just is. Another day, another set of thoughts and emotions. Some days are better than others.
This is the year of the firsts, of experiencing things without Kevin. So there are days when I despair at the loss. His birthday, my birthday, the birth of a new grandchild; things he should have been here for but isn’t. Yet just one year ago he was, larger than life and full of hope. Our lives centred around him. So with the core gone, those events have to be redefined and none of us have the appetite to do that yet. We pretend, but we all know, he still factors in every thing we do.
As Christmas approaches the need to plan becomes evident. We can’t wing it through this one, but it is emotionally draining and, consequently, physically exhausting to plan anything. Christmas is a whammy on many levels, it is overplayed by the media, in the workplace and by retail. For those who have experienced a loss there is no reprieve from the onslaught of emotions constantly roused when “Christmas Cheer” is rammed down your throat.
I don’t feel cheerful. I do feel profound love for my family, and this year I hope to surround myself and my family with that love, but it is not likely to be a “cheerful” Christmas. We will be thankful and reflective, appreciative of what we have, but we will all be very aware of what we have lost. I suspect that awareness will be with us always. That’s when you realize that although we tend to measure things in time, there are some things that we just shouldn’t.