Unfortunately, I have fallen behind in publishing Kevin’s book, Harmony in a Box. There’s nothing I can do about it. The book is 13 chapters long. Thirteen gut-wrenching chapters to edit. A story he wrote and I transcribed for him in 2001. His handwriting and notes are all over the pages. I made it through the first four chapters, but have to take a breather before I can face the next four. My intentions are good, but my capacity to work through it is not. So – another week or so and maybe I will be ready then, just not now.
The family is now approaching the six month marker of Kevin’s death from lung cancer. Oddly enough, the days are getting harder, not easier. The emptiness and loss seems stronger and more intense. Not just for me either. The realization that he’s gone for good seems to be pressing down heavily on all of us. In the next week or so another grandchild will arrive, and this little baby will not meet his or her grandfather. This is the new reality for the family. Granddad will live in stories only. The stories will be legend, but still only stories to grandchildren who never got to meet him.
All the emotion drains me of any ambition or productivity. I feel so old and worn out. If left to my own devices, it would be easy to turn on the television and zone out completely until I fall asleep; the next day get up, go to work and repeat the same mindless cycle. Fortunately, that’s not my lot, and between family and friends my days are as busy as I can manage. It’s good to be busy, but it doesn’t stop the inevitable sadness from settling on me when I am left alone with my thoughts. For now, nothing can stop it. Sometimes the sadness is a sweet memory that reminds me of all the good things life gifts us with; other times the sadness is full of bitterness of all the things that life has taken. Most times it’s a sadness tinged with bewilderment as to why someone who loved life so much was taken so early.
In my head, when I think these thoughts I hear Kevin’s voice urging me to ‘let it go, honey, let it go’; ever grounded in reality; recognizing that some things can’t be fixed or changed. I will get there one day. I’m trying, just not doing so well at it right now.