The tension continues to build in me. I feel it pulling tight across my shoulders and down my back. It doesn’t matter how many stretches I do, I can’t release the band between my shoulders or the ache in the small of my back. I know what it is and can’t do anything about it. As the week progresses, I suspect the constriction in my chest and the sorrow in my thoughts will intensify.
My youngest son is home, he arrived home a few days ago. His long-time girlfriend arrives here on Tuesday. On Wednesday my eldest son and his family will make the journey here. My daughter and her family live nearby as does my sister-in-law. So, in a few a days the core of this family will be together. What’s left of the circle will be unbroken as, for a brief time, the family unit will gather to remember Kevin, my late husband, on what would have been his 62nd birthday.
I lay in bed thinking and crying over what is ahead, wondering ‘what would Kevin really want this day to be about?’ The fun and celebration just simply can’t, won’t happen this year. So, if the circumstances don’t lend themselves to a party, then how should THE DAY be recognized? To not have a strategy or game plan going in will continue to add to the tension which clouds my mind and dominates my thoughts.
So for his birthday what do we do? Kevin loved his family and friends – no doubt, that’s what he would want the day to be about – family and friends. He would want to be remembered in peace and love. For us left behind it will be more than that, it will include memories of laughter and craziness and outrageous comments that begged debate. It will be a day without a man who was larger than life, whose personality was boundless and whose loss is immeasurable. We miss you Kevin and love you and wish you were here.