I drafted a post for this blog back in November of 2014 and found it today. It started like this:
“It is months into this thing and still there is an overriding sense of fear. It struck me last night that no matter what the news, no matter whether it is good or bad, there is still fear. The uncertainty and the unknowns will always remain and consequently there will always be fear.”
I didn’t know how true those words would be – even after the certainty of death, or perhaps I should rephrase that to despite the certainty of death. The fear has changed for sure. It’s a complicated indefinable fear; it resides in my soul, in my heart and in my mind. It’s the fear of loss, and it takes many forms. I’ve lived through it once; will I have to live through it again? As soon as I wed I became vulnerable in love, that vulnerability expanded once the children came along, it grew stronger as the ties of family and friends grew deeper. That vulnerability exists for everyone who has a partner, a family, a friend. Until you have someone taken away from you through death, there is a blissful obliviousness about the value of our connectedness to those we love. It’s a “take for granted” assumption that most of us carry, and we shouldn’t.
I feel like I’ve been through the war and I am still recovering. I think it’s fairly normal to want to gather and protect and worry about my loved ones. The fear of loss will remain in the recesses of my mind and it will influence my interactions with family and friends, hopefully in a very positive way but only time will tell. I do believe that as time passes this response will mellow, but I don’t think it will ever go away.