I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been spinning out of control. I have reached a point where the things I have to do have simply overwhelmed me. They have all become important, equally important, in my mind. Consequently, I haven’t been able to determine what to do first, what should be done first. This is the reality of functioning on my own.
Throughout the more than 30 years of my marriage I was the primary decision-maker and accountant for the family. I made the decisions and did the follow through. So why then, do I feel like I am drowning in the sea of responsibility?
I realize now, that although I may have made the decisions, there almost always was some sort of discussion between Kevin and me, at least for big decisions. Kevin always had an opinion (sometimes completely off the wall) and he was never bashful about expressing it. As a father and husband, Kevin didn’t fret about the small stuff; as long as we were safe, fed, happy and having fun, that was all that mattered. His role in our marriage, he would often state, was to socialize and protect and mine was everything else (as long as he didn’t disagree with it). He had little tolerance for inaction and indecisiveness, any decision was better than no decision.
After years of this type of conditioning I have become quite used to ploughing through the things that have to be done. However, it’s different with this, with settling an estate. It’s not something that is easy or straightforward, it’s emotional and heartbreaking and relentless – there are so many things that have to be done: burial arrangements; transfers of title; changing my own Will; dealing with the various utility companies, credit card companies; and all sorts of other little one-offs that come up as the days go by.
Things have to be done, yes, but not right away. I was reminded of this again today by my lawyer and by my sister-in-law. I’m spinning but it’s because I’ve wound myself too tight. I am my own worst enemy, trying to do everything and get everything settled in record time. There’s no rush and this is something that I need to recognize for my own peace of mind, since the only one pressuring me is me. Old habits die hard.