I managed to get through yesterday’s confrontation but at a price. Here it is around three o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. I took my nightly sleeping medication hours ago, it didn’t do a thing. I tried reading a book, spent an hour watching Seinfeld reruns and then an hour or so writing in my journal, hoping that I would just pass out. I tried meditating and deep breathing. Not to be. I suspect that I may have pushed my body into full blown fight or flight mode before it had the capacity to do so. My sympathetic nervous system is still locked and loaded and ready to go. There are no reserves left to regulate my system, to calm my nerves, yet my body remains on standby. Physically I am exhausted but my mind has gone into overdrive. This is not a good state of being.
I’ve tried to follow the thoughts that are flitting through my brain right now. In my mind they are like the frames of an old movie picture, split second images that move almost before I can register what they are. If I can capture them and force them to stop, may be I can reprogram them to allow me to move my thinking elsewhere to a different line of thought with different imagery, it might bring me the relief of sleep.
Today’s confrontation laid painfully bare just how important Kevin had been to this family. In an instance like this he would have been forthright, assertive and absolute, and with his voice and physical appearance it would have been very effective. Even though I was fairly blunt and definitely assertive, I don’t have the same presence. Still I got my point across – but there was a moment or two where I was worried things weren’t going to go my way. It is scary to think that someone can so easily invade my private space and wreak havoc on my state of mind.
I need a good coping strategy, but first I need sleep.