I Have to Plan to Think and I Have to Think to Write


Today I realized I have perfected the ability to look without seeing.  I was sitting on the couch staring out the window and my daughter said to me, “That’s crazy, eh?”  I looked at her and said, “What’s crazy?”  I guess there had been some birds at the bird feeder which is right in front of the window.  There had been quite a squabble as the birds jockeyed for position to get at the food and it was quite entertaining.  It happened, literally, right in front of the window and I hadn’t seen a thing.

It wasn’t that I was lost in thought, I think more than anything I was devoid of thought.  I find that I can zone out completely, just go into stillness of body or mind or both.  I can still multi-task, I can walk to my car, or do housework or all those day-today tasks that need to be done.  I do them without thinking, just like breathing.  Now I find that often I can pass people in the street, at the store, at work, and it doesn’t register who they are.  Or maybe it doesn’t matter who they are.  Or maybe I don’t want to recognize them because to do so triggers a thought process about their family, spouse, routines that they blissfully take for granted; things too painful and too close for me to dwell on right now.

I think, truthfully, that the reason I choose not to see things is that I don’t care.  I don’t have the emotional resources to spend on interest or concern, not even for myself, let alone others.  Alternately, maybe it is that I can’t care.  Caring is active and needs effort which is just not possible for me right now.  Caring is a step beyond where I am at presently.  For the immediate,  I have to plan to think, just like I have to think to write.  It all takes effort and is very draining.

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