It was Friday night and I thought that I’d get busy and do the avoidance thing. Clean, organize, do mindless tasks to avoid thinking about how different things are now from what they were. It was a nice day today and I had set up the patio furniture outside, washed it down and swept the deck. When Kev was healthy and finished work for the day this is where I would find him. He would sit on the deck, drinking his coffee and smoke his Friday night Colt (cigarillo). He was always home before me and this particular routine was set – as long as it wasn’t storming outside. Today was a day where I could almost feel him with me.
Once he got sick, the days of the week blurred together and our routine was guided by the television shows he would watch. Bless his sister, she got him hooked on the Young and the Restless. She’d come over every day and they’d watch it together. They’d do exercises on the commercial breaks, drink a cup of tea and have one of the delectable pastries she always brought. After the Y & R was Family Feud. Prior to his illness he could barely tolerate the mindlessness of television, but game shows and soap operas – to anyone who knew Kevin this in itself would be an indicator of how sick he had become! During his illness the television became a necessary distraction as well as a social event he shared with his sister and me.
So today, along with my daughter, I watched the Y & R and followed it up with Family Feud. It was a little too close for comfort and the tears flowed. It is the saddest reality for my daughter that her father died almost a month to the day after she gave birth to her first child. She is heartbroken, but I do believe that her father would have been gone sooner had she not been pregnant. He was so determined to meet that little baby and to make sure his girl came through it okay.
After my daughter left, and rather than mope, I decided I’d clean up the area we call our office; I had been rather lax over the last few months about filing the bills. I had filed paperwork relating to Kevin’s illness and death as it arrived and also kept it in a separate folder in the dining room. Consequently, I thought it unlikely that I would handle anything that would set me off, and that more than anything else I would simply be filing bills and general correspondence. I got almost all of it done.
Until I found the card, the lovely card.