I sit here day after day reliving so many moments in my mind. The good times and the bad, the highs and the lows – all the things that we said and did and planned and hoped for. I try to make sense of why things did not go as planned. I try to focus on what we had, but right now all I can think about is what we won’t have. No retirement plans anymore because you are gone. No watching the grandkids grow up together, because you are not here. No dinner parties with your sweet and sappy toasts. No more anniversaries, no more week long birthday celebrations for your birthday. No more plans for the little place we were going to put up on the lot we bought in Newfoundland. No more stories that seemed to grow bigger with each retelling. The artwork started in the spare room will stay unfinished because you are gone. The house is full of you and yet empty at the same time.
I am hurting and lost and sad and unfocused right now. On Tuesday I will bring you home and it will be the hardest thing yet.