So I have to make a decision about this blog – do I keep it going or do I shut it down. It started as a diary of events surrounding my husband’s illness and with his death it must be revisited.
Grief is a debilitating thing, it takes away all rational thought and introduces a fear that is insidious that influences you without you even being aware of it. Like the fight or flight response the body goes into gut wrenching reaction where emotions over rule the mind. They tell me this is normal. The events preceding my husband’s death were the most emotional and draining I have ever experienced and play over and over in my mind as I grieve.
During Kevin’s last days with us he deteriorated far faster than the doctor expected. We had agreed and enrolled in a program called expected death in the home or EDITH. This provided us with access to home supports for all stages associated with impending death. Consequently when his health started to decline on Saturday I called our visiting nurse to come to the house and assist me and the kids in calming him down. He was most agitated.
We used an injection from a symptom relief kit that was supplied to me (and is given to all terminal patients in our area). Kevin’s agitation was quite intense and he was determined to get out of his bed and leave. He pleaded with us to “help me”. It was bar none the hardest night that the kids and I have ever put in. The night was an anxious one but he made it through.
We made a decision to contact the doctor to attend the house on Sunday to help us prepare for the days ahead – or so we thought. At this point we still believed we had at least a week or even two to spend with him.