I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now. This journey is a brutal one on an emotional level as well as a physical level particularly for my husband, but also for me. I know it’s not about me, but I am a big part of the equation. Eight hours ago he finished his chemo treatment and it takes it right out of him. I know this. He needs to rest and repair and I need to support him in that. However, it seems that with every day further into this treatment his frustration increases. There are so many things that he wants to do or that he wants done and there’s really only me. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We need to get the garage cleaned out before the snow comes, we have to be able to park a car in there. The leaves are falling off the trees and he wants the yard raked. The gutters around the house need to be cleaned out otherwise they will be useless when the spring thaw comes. There is the matter of moving a couch out of our basement and doing a dump run – to do that we have to put the trailer on the car. Then do the dump run. We have to get the snowblower over to our daughter’s house. There was a building permit registered on our house years ago for work that we never did do, but we need to get the permit closed off – it likely means an inspection to see if we did change the footprint of the house – I need to schedule that. Why? Because now he thinks we probably should sell the house. It’s a side split and difficult for him to get around in. Sell the house? Yikes, that’s a nervous breakdown headed my way.
As always, there are the day to day things that I need to do. I’m it now, I do the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, garbage, dog walking, nursing and caregiving as required. Yesterday I fixed a toilet – a first for me, but not that hard. And he continues to identify new things that he wants done. At this point I say “just add them to the list” and in my mind finish it off with “of things I’m not likely to do.” I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s time to start saying “no” right up front if it is work that I can’t do or don’t want to do, and either jobbing it out or hiring someone. Makes for some unpleasant conversations but has to be done otherwise I will be completely useless because I’m overwhelmed.